Whooooa livin' on a prayer! Get it? Ok.
Yesterday, while leaving work, I unexpectedly found myself in tears behind the wheel. While being tired and hormonal had a hand in it all, the main culprit was gladness.
Tomorrow, I will be 20 weeks pregnant; halfway through pregnancy. I thought of this as I was leaving work and it was as if every thought and emotion I had felt (or suppressed) throughout this pregnancy came at me full force. I feel so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so blessed right now. This pregnancy, this baby, is such a gift. I had prayed, begged, cried to grow our family and the Lord granted us this wish. It's just amazing that my God feels I'm qualified to bring a little someone into His world.
Next, I'm disappointed. Because of the previous sadness I've had with pregnancy, and the little scares I've had even with this little one, I've found it incredibly difficult to enjoy this pregnancy. I want nothing more than to fully embrace this special time, but I simply can't seem to work past the innate uncertainty I'm holding onto.
I'm also terrified. I'm not terrified of the "normal" things, though. I'm not afraid of parenthood, and I'm actually really looking forward to labor (I'm sure there will be plenty of you who will make sure these words come back to haunt me). I'm terrified of the here and now. Pregnancy is frightening the shit out of me. I'm even more afraid now that I've finished with my progesterone injections. While my legs were achy bricks from those shots, they served as a bit of a lifeline; a way to feel like I was preventing bad things from happening.
As each week passes, though, I'm so very grateful. I'm grateful for health, I'm grateful for my husband who is present and can go to appointments with me, and I'm grateful for my mom who really wants to buy me maternity clothes. Beautiful people. Beautiful life.