Monday, May 7, 2012

Next

First--

Thank You. Thank you all so very much for your concern, for your sweet words, and for your greatly appreciated prayers.

Phillip and I were able to make it through the weekend alright. Phillip was busy catching up on work Saturday and I kept myself occupied with various odds and ends including cleaning this apartment harder than it has every been cleaned in the whole past year. Sunday, Phillip was busy with his usual Sunday things. I came to the church for a youth ministry leadership meeting. I didn't love it. I kept close to Phill the whole time and I didn't talk much.

I think, subconsciously, I just didn't don't know what to do with myself. Normally, when I'm not at work I browse online, get to the gym, shower and get ready for the day, and then head to the grocery store or do some other errand. Now, once I've reached the end of the Internet, I have to search out things since my daily workout is on hold. So, after the meeting yesterday I decided maybe I could put some of my gift cards to use. I went to Target first, found nothing I really wanted to have, and then headed to the mall.

**I feel I should also note that I'm not loving my body at this moment. I haven't been super happy since I've gained weight over the past several months, but it's hit a peak now where I realize many of my clothes don't fit quite right and all I want to wear are things that are huge. I'm coping,  I suppose.**

While at the mall, Forever XXI to be exact, everything started out fine, but once I had searched through everything I wanted to see I was SO READY to be home. Being around all those people started creating an anxiety in me. Obviously, no one in Forever XXI knows what I'm dealing with, but I feel so out of place, empty, and uncomfortable, that I was really looking forward to getting the heck out of there. That scenario made me really nervous looking forward to today. Monday = Back to work. The anxiety I felt at the mall remained as I thought ahead to my work day in the morning. More people. These people I know. I have to care for other people. I have to try to be happy???

I was pretty nervous on my way into work this morning. I was definitely feeling the anxiety bubbling up, causing the tears to swell on my drive in. I knew I needed to work. I had to try to make it work. Shortly after getting report in the morning I went to the bathroom and called Phillip. Crying, I explained I don't know how I'm going to make it. After some sweet words and deep breaths, I said goodbye and faced it all again. I decided to ask the charge nurse if there was anyone available who could come in to work and, luckily, there was. It became evident that I was going to have one hell of a day if I kept running into the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. I am so grateful to Dolores for coming in, and for Stephanie for calling her. I told Steph what had happened and she immediately gave me a huge hug and, with tears in her eyes, told me to let her know if I needed anything. Thank you.

So, I'm home now. First day back into normalcy was not a success. Today is definitely the most I've cried since this all began. I have the rest of today and tomorrow to find a peace within. That is, a peace well enough to allow me to work. I think I can do it. I know I have to do it. So many women face this same exact issue every day without an accommodating job. I need to take this time to relax, cry, and find some relief.

1 comment:

  1. Dwight BrautigamMay 7, 2012 at 3:44 PM

    Just want to let you know we're praying too.

    ReplyDelete