I have an issue with food.
I love food. I hate food.
Those of you who know me well know that this is not a recent thing. Food and body image have been an on-going struggle for me. I am constantly trying to live a normal life where food is necessary for life and the rest of my time is spent just, well, living. This, however, is more of a task than you might think. I'm thinking about food all the time. Planning what I should eat, thinking of what I really want to eat, bargaining that I can eat that if I only have this now. I love eating healthily, but my food obsession makes it hard for me to deny myself the frequent "bad" food cravings. My cravings are so intense sometimes! They're so hard to ignore! Therefore, I give into them. A lot. I eat a lot of really healthy food, but I also eat a lot of seriously not healthy food. The bad food cravings are actually worse when I'm at work. I attribute this to the chocolates and baked goods patients bring in, the potlucks, and the donuts frequently brought in for morning pick me ups. FYI coworkers, I'm sorry for my unsuccessful attempts to abstain from ALL THE DONUTS.
Aside from what I'm eating, it's also important to note the amount I am eating. I am able to recognize the feeling that others refer to as "full" but it does not inhibit me from consuming more food. I legitimately have an obsession with food. It's only when I've gorged myself to nearly vomiting that I realize I cannot eat any more. This is also the time, of course, when the regret and unhappiness begins. This is an ongoing, ever evolving eating disorder.
Since moving to Arizona, it seems I've become more keenly aware of my body. Starting around the holidays of 2010 I lost some weight and then spent 2011 maintaining that weight/wishing for a bit more weight loss. Success makes you crave more success, right? Anyway, the truth is I didn't lose that weight in a healthy manner. I've recently put on more weight from trying to eat like a normal person, yet still failing in the ways mentioned above. It makes me sad to see some of the weight put back on and feel my clothing fit a little tighter. However, it's in times like this where I can really see the work of God in my life. Yes, I am disappointed that I can't seem to just be normal. Normal people don't think about food all the time. Normal people don't have to wager how much food is a normal amount because they just stop eating when they become full.
It's because of this recent weight gain and my subsequent reaction that has me nearly pleased. I'm a twinge upset, yes. I want to shed those extra pounds, yes. The kicker is this, though: It's not supremely ruining my life. I'm doing just fine. I want to lose the weight by working out like a super freak because I enjoy that darn elliptical! I FINALLY realize why people always said they enjoyed working out! You guys. IT REALLY DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD! I also want to continue to discover and consume healthy, clean foods. I have made a conscious decision to severely restrict the amount of junk I consume. You guys would be seriously shocked if you saw how much I ate on a bad food day. My biggest culprits are of the sweet-tooth variety: candies, cookies, ice creams/yogurts, cakes...I really enjoy sugar.
I'm not entirely sure what brought me to write this post. As written above, this topic is ever on my mind, and I think today I felt the need to put it out there, be real, and benefit from the cyber accountability. My life is going somewhere. God has a plan for me! I may not know every direction this life is going to take, but I want to be present and enjoy the ride rather than being concerned about dinner.