It's difficult to know where to start to describe my thoughts and emotions right now. I'm so very happy, but I have this nagging fear that keeps creeping into my heart.
I am 9 weeks pregnant.
This is what I wanted. Deeply. I imagined that once I was able to get pregnant again I would feel intense joy. But that wasn't exactly what happened. For one, I wasn't expecting the positive test when I read it. Sure, we had been trying, but I had settled into the mindset that it could potentially take some time because of my surgery in April. Secondly, my grief process after surgery was complicated. I didn't grieve heavily immediately afterwards. I actually felt relief. An ectopic pregnancy can be very dangerous so I initially felt relief that I was under care of a fantastic midwife and a fantastic physician who helped save my life and preserve my future fertility. But, grief did come to me. Certain days and certain events would trigger something in my brain that made me relive my miscarriage from 2012 and then also realize that something similar had just happened...again. The day I found out I was pregnant again happened to be one of those days. I had spent my afternoon and evening grieving and then that night I found out I was pregnant. I had to reach out to my closest friends immediately, not because I was even ready to share this news, but because my emotional state felt so raw and unsteady that I knew I needed their support right away.
The very next day started a myriad of testing. At my surgery follow-up appointment my doctor had said that I would, unfortunately, have to have a bit of a "pessimistic" (his exact word) mindset right at the start of learning I was pregnant purely because I was now at a higher risk for a repeat ectopic pregnancy. Once my lab values indicated we would be able to see an embryo, I had an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. I don't know that I've ever been more anxious than those minutes I spent in the waiting room waiting for that ultrasound. I was shaking and had tears welling up in my eyes.
This is not an ectopic pregnancy. This is absolutely amazing news, but I noticed my fear was not relieved. I found that I was still waiting for anything bad to happen. I have miscarried before, after all.
Thankfully, I have been feeling more content with my pregnancy lately. This likely has to do with my already rounder lower abdomen and the other first trimester symptoms that I'm feeling. I am incredibly thankful to be feeling these crappy feelings! When I learned my progesterone was low and I should begin injections, I was not happy. I felt that perhaps my body was "failing" again. When my progesterone levels proved to be rising very well, I did feel happy! This is all still so early (which is terrifying), but I want to be able to talk openly about how I'm feeling. This is healthy for me. I also think that this could help me in feeling excitement rather than dwelling on the "what-ifs".
Phew. I need to be transparent right now and share that writing all of this down has realllllly brought on some deeply scared feelings. I feel no shame in requesting all of your thoughts, prayers, and well wishes. Oh, and for you curious people, my estimated due date is April 4th, 2017. :-)