Home Sick, or Maybe Just A Sick Mind

Apparently, today is a day full of missing home for the strangest reasons--and it's only 12:33PM.

The first reason isn't strange. Mama called :-) I love my mother so much. It's funny how nearly every little girl {I think? Maybe I was the only evil daughter} is all "I'm not going to be anything like my mom {and dad} when I grow up!". Guess what, folks?

I'M HER.

Proud of it :-)

Reason #2--The guy at the gym before me was watching ESPN and it was a show all about the Pacers vs. Knicks showdown of '94 and '95. Ok, I was in elementary school at the time, so I had no clue any of this was happening. I wouldn't have really cared even if my 3rd grade self knew. Today I cared. Today I briefly became a huge Pacer fan and I was proud to saw I'm from Indiana. 

Except for the part when some fans had posters about hanging Spike Lee. HEAR ME INDIANA: I know you love to show the Confederate flag bumper sticker on your tractor, but you were never a part of the Confederacy. Please leave your stupidity aside. 

*Haunting side note: Did you guys know Marion, IN {yup, where I went to school and received my diploma} is the site of the last confirmed lynching of blacks in the Northern United States? Horrid!

Ok, I got a bit sidetracked. Anywho, reason #3--While browsing Facebook I see pictures from Huntington North High School's graduation. I teared up. Please refer back to the top where I said I am my mom. Point proven. Bless you, school of my youth!

PS--Thank you for all your kind thoughts, words, and prayers in regard to my last post. It was all-in-all a crappy sort of day for me and I was spiraling down a path that seemed to have no end in sight. Now, my husband is home, life is back to normal, and I have my head screwed on straight. Yes, all those things are technically still realities, but I know that midwifery is my passion and that I want to pursue OB experience prior to school since the finances for school aren't really available right now. It's all good and I think I'm just more content knowing that there is, in fact, a plan in sight. Plus, it helps knowing others are backing me up and showing support. You guys are amazing.

Who Needs a Career?

It's probably not a huge surprise to most of you reading that I have been wanting to make a transition in my career. This Med/Surg {According to this article, I'm, apparently, the "faint-hearted"} business is seriously wearing on me on a daily basis.  I have to really pump myself up and say desperate prayers on my drive into work every day in order to just get through it. Each day is a hit or miss. Some are good, many are really busy but tolerable, and {too many} some are just downright awful. The problem is that even the "good" days, aren't really good. I have no passion for my job. I do not enjoy it and I can guarantee I'm not working to my best potential because this is not where my strengths lie.

I want to be a Certified Nurse Midwife.

There are a couple problems:

• School--I'm terrified to go back to school. Also, more school means more money and another commitment. Basically, I'm a scaredy-cat.
• I have no Women-Infant experience, so what if it turns out I don't love being a Midwife? What if I'm pointing myself in the wrong direction?
• I've yet to find a way to be able to get this experience. There are few positions of this nature available here in the West Valley, and I'm pretty hesitant to even go for them because I'm afraid that, working in a hospital setting, there will be certain aspects of my job, particularly if I scored a L&D position, that I wouldn't agree with. For example, {I'm speaking in generalities, people} I'm against labor induction. Of course, there's a time and place, but it is WAY abused. Also, I think women should be active, not sedentary on a hospital bed, during their labor. Furthermore, they probably shouldn't be lying flat to deliver a baby at all {unless that's the position that seems to suit the laboring mom best}. Geez, I could go on and on, but that's really not the purpose of this post...
• Being a Midwife entails much more responsibility and autonomy than what is presently expected of me. In truth, this sounds amazing, but the thought of it being a reality is so God-awful terrifying. There's so much pressure and I'm not sure I would be successful, you know? In fact, the more I think about it, the more it truly frightens me.

I really dislike my current job, but it's so difficult to even consider making a change. Does any of this many a bit of sense to anyone?  Goodness. Trying to wrap my mind around all of this right now is almost making me want to cry!

Life is just so tricky. I know I've said this before, and I'm certain I'll say it again, but it sure would be nice if God would give me a pretty little road map for LIFE.

Any advice?

What's Happening, Hot Stuff?

So, here's the low down of my week thus far:

Phill's gone and I had Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday {today} off work. Therefore, it's been a nice a female cuddle frenzy. Actually, I'm pretty proud of what I've accomplished in my time off without Phill because usually I'm such a lazy bum. I worked out ALL 3 DAYS! And we're talking good workouts, guys. Sweating hardcore. I told Phill I might want to look into running some 5Ks {approx 3ish miles. totally doable! right?!} and then possibly, potentially consider a mini-marathon...in the way distant future maybe. This is me not wanting to commit to it because it's scary and I don't want to officially make it a goal because if I do and then never accomplish that goal, I am then a failure! I'm total lame sauce.

Do I same lame sauce a lot? I think I do.

I also did some packing this week. I promised Phill I would try to get the ball rolling since we realized before he left that June 10th is way the heck closer than we both realized! So, our little apartment is now smaller because there are boxes and suitcases everywhere filled with all our junk. I'm please with the amount I got done in such a small amount of time, though.

Also! Today I had my tattoo consultation with Apryl at 27 Tattoo. I told her what I was thinking, showed her some things I'd found to illustrate what I was wanting, and we bounced a couple ideas around. I really, really love the ideas she came up with and I have full confidence that she's going to come up with the perfect design. What pleased me the most {SO much} was having her say, more than once, that the type of art and design that I want is what she really loves to do. She actually said this {Yeah, you're still stuck with 'this'. Secret, secret!} is one of her favorite things to do.

I found today to be another proud moment for myself. I was pretty nervous heading in to the consultation just because I wanted to make sure that I got my point across so I could ensure the perfect design and something I will love for all time, but at the same time I didn't want to come off, I don't know, ridiculous somehow. I'm not artsy and creative and I have very limited exposure to the tattooing world, so I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. I was afraid that I would be expecting, and demanding, maybe the impossible? I'm not really sure how to word it, but Apryl easily put my nerves to rest. She seems confident and excited about this endeavor, so I have no reason not to feel the exact same way! And, guys, I really am SUPER PUMPED now. So...I put my deposit down and have an appointment for July 1! We tried to get it sooner, but it seems the scheduling gods were against us for the month of June. Plus, this works out well because Fridays are Phill's day off and this ensures he'll be able to be there like he wanted {July 1 is a Friday}. I'm desperately hoping to be able to start and complete the tattoo all in one day, but odds are I'll end up needing to book a separate appointment to finish it. Apryl estimated this tattoo would take approximately 6 hours or so. She said that with larger pieces people usually are able to tolerate 3-4 hours of work at one time. Of course, many others are able to go longer, but I have no idea what my tolerance is since the little tattoo on my foot took a whopping 5 minutes from beginning to end! Now, don't worry. Just because I use terms like "larger pieces" and "6 hours" does NOT mean I'm covering my whole face and chest with ink. I'll let you know that this tattoo is destined for my upper arm and the amount of time will likely be longer than similar designs simply because of the style and detail I want.