Soon

It feels like a lot of change has taken place in this little life of mine lately. I moved out of my grandpa's house into my parent's house while we're still house searching. It sounds pretty awful thinking "I live with my parents", but it doesn't really feel that awful at all. I'm sure Phillip will have a slightly different feeling about it, though. :-) 

I've still been a bit on edge with little Baby O, too. My midwife informed me last week that while all the rest of my initial lab work results were normal, my progesterone is low. I was given the choice to do nothing (as many practitioners do) or supplement the progesterone. Phill and I agreed that if there is an option of something we can do to correct this potential problem, we should do it. So, starting last Monday I'm now doing twice a week intramuscular (IM) injections at home. I'm glad I'm a nurse because, no offense, but I don't think the average person could handle the drawing up of the medication, switching needles, maintaining a clean technique, and actually administering the medication. It's not for the faint of heart. The worst part, though, is my incredibly sore thigh the next day (and the day after...)! If you see me out and about walking funny, it's likely because I'm one sore lady. It's all worth it, though, if it means we'll have a healthy newborn in the end.

It's hard to remain optimistic and think of an actual newborn being the end result of all this. I feel like it's been a lot of walking on eggshells, not knowing whether all is well. When I noticed the spotting, it scared me, but I didn't get too worked up because I knew it could very well be nothing. While the same could be possible with my low progesterone, it was a much harder blow because this was concrete evidence that something was not up to par. I told my mom and Phill that I was still hesitant to buy baby things while there still seems to be some uncertainty. I'm presently 15.5 weeks along, but I don't feel as confident in my pregnancy as I would have expected at this point.

The silver lining to this all is that my long lost husband is returning TOMORROW. I've been excited all day thinking about it, but just now typing it out I got a little emotional. He's been gone for 6 WEEKS YOU GUYS! I'm not even sure what more to say other than I am so incredibly thankful to have him in my life and I'm so thankful he's returning to me tomorrow!

This is rather embarrassing, but I guess I forgot to mention that I had a birthday last Monday. Day one of the injections marked the 26th year of this old bird's life. I know 26 is certainly not old, but there's some chunk of my brain that screams "HOLY BEJESUS YOU IS OLD!". Meh. I'll get used to it, I'm sure.

Here's wishing you all a healthy and happy week before Thanksgiving!

**My apologies for the boring non-photo post. Apparently my computer is so low on memory and storage space that I can't even upload one photo. Either that (which is still totally true) or my iPhoto is screwy. Sorry!

Next

First--

Thank You. Thank you all so very much for your concern, for your sweet words, and for your greatly appreciated prayers.

Phillip and I were able to make it through the weekend alright. Phillip was busy catching up on work Saturday and I kept myself occupied with various odds and ends including cleaning this apartment harder than it has every been cleaned in the whole past year. Sunday, Phillip was busy with his usual Sunday things. I came to the church for a youth ministry leadership meeting. I didn't love it. I kept close to Phill the whole time and I didn't talk much.

I think, subconsciously, I just didn't don't know what to do with myself. Normally, when I'm not at work I browse online, get to the gym, shower and get ready for the day, and then head to the grocery store or do some other errand. Now, once I've reached the end of the Internet, I have to search out things since my daily workout is on hold. So, after the meeting yesterday I decided maybe I could put some of my gift cards to use. I went to Target first, found nothing I really wanted to have, and then headed to the mall.

**I feel I should also note that I'm not loving my body at this moment. I haven't been super happy since I've gained weight over the past several months, but it's hit a peak now where I realize many of my clothes don't fit quite right and all I want to wear are things that are huge. I'm coping,  I suppose.**

While at the mall, Forever XXI to be exact, everything started out fine, but once I had searched through everything I wanted to see I was SO READY to be home. Being around all those people started creating an anxiety in me. Obviously, no one in Forever XXI knows what I'm dealing with, but I feel so out of place, empty, and uncomfortable, that I was really looking forward to getting the heck out of there. That scenario made me really nervous looking forward to today. Monday = Back to work. The anxiety I felt at the mall remained as I thought ahead to my work day in the morning. More people. These people I know. I have to care for other people. I have to try to be happy???

I was pretty nervous on my way into work this morning. I was definitely feeling the anxiety bubbling up, causing the tears to swell on my drive in. I knew I needed to work. I had to try to make it work. Shortly after getting report in the morning I went to the bathroom and called Phillip. Crying, I explained I don't know how I'm going to make it. After some sweet words and deep breaths, I said goodbye and faced it all again. I decided to ask the charge nurse if there was anyone available who could come in to work and, luckily, there was. It became evident that I was going to have one hell of a day if I kept running into the bathroom to bawl my eyes out. I am so grateful to Dolores for coming in, and for Stephanie for calling her. I told Steph what had happened and she immediately gave me a huge hug and, with tears in her eyes, told me to let her know if I needed anything. Thank you.

So, I'm home now. First day back into normalcy was not a success. Today is definitely the most I've cried since this all began. I have the rest of today and tomorrow to find a peace within. That is, a peace well enough to allow me to work. I think I can do it. I know I have to do it. So many women face this same exact issue every day without an accommodating job. I need to take this time to relax, cry, and find some relief.

When the Sacred is Torn From Your Life

Like most everyone, I have experienced immense joy and great pain in my life. However, the height of these emotions have both been felt within the past month.

For the past year, Phillip and I have been secretly trying to have a child. My poor body was confused after stopping birth control pills, so I had to see an OB/GYN last Autumn. After my visit, seemingly never ending rounds of hormonal therapies, phone calls, and fertility drugs followed all without pregnancy. I typed out my heartache, frustrations, and confusions, but, obviously, never shared any of these posts. I hated that I was having to take all these drugs in order to have a baby. I never wanted any of this. I vow (SERIOUSLY) to never take hormonal birth control pills again.

I was nervous in March of this year, as I was starting my 3rd round of the fertility medication, Clomid. You see, most often, after 3 unsuccessful rounds of Clomid, your doctor may want to consider other options. I wasn't sure exactly what those "other options" may be, but I wasn't sure I wanted to pursue anything more costly, or invasive, when I didn't even really know anything was technically wrong with me. I simply could not have a cycle without these treatments, at this time. Thus, I was nervous that this 3rd, and possibly final, round of Clomid, a medication I already knew, would be, yet again, unsuccessful.

On the morning of April 11th, I decided I might as well take a pregnancy test since it had been 2 weeks since I ovulated (I apologize if this is TMI). After 3 minutes, I took a look at that little test and took a huge gasp. I've never seen a positive test before! I ran to Phillip, showed him the test and took another 2 hours later. Another positive! Yes. Yes, indeed, this is actually happening! The next day I called the doctor's office to schedule my first appointment and ultrasound: May 3rd.

I was ecstatic, yet cautious, by our news. Phillip was stunned. Our parents were overjoyed. I loved reading up on anything and everything I could find and it was fascinating keeping track of baby. It brought such joy planning ahead for our move back to the Midwest knowing I would have my friends and family near to join in this celebration of our first pregnancy. We were anticipating a December baby! With an approximate due date of December 18, we could even be looking at a Christmas baby! Leading up to yesterday (our appointment) I was very anxious to see our little baby, but also incredibly nervous. Because I had felt so well during these past few weeks I couldn't help but feel that maybe I was making the whole thing up! Maybe I'm not really pregnant? Some people just pee a lot and get super tired, you know.

Finally, the day arrived. Phillip met me at the doctor's office. First up: the ultrasound! Based on the dates of my last (hormonally induced) period I would be approximately 7 weeks 2 days for the ultrasound. Once we were finally back there, Phillip and I both watched in awe and confusion as the ultrasound commenced. The ultrasound tech didn't talk much and we, obviously, had no idea what we were looking at. Finally, after several minutes of looking around and pressing some buttons, the lady pointed out our baby, but followed up by saying, "but I don't see a heartbeat....Would you like a picture?" Neither of us was really sure what she meant, but, yes, I did want pictures. We took our pictures with us and waited in the room to see the doctor.

Once my doctor came in, we discussed exactly what the ultrasound findings mean.

A heavy blow. The heaviest.

No heartbeat at this stage in the pregnancy means a fetal demise has occurred. Because the baby was the appropriate size, he or she had been healthy and growing like normal until just recently when, for whatever reason, the tiny heart came to a stop. If I wanted to let nature run its course, within the next week or two I would expect cramping and bleeding, possibly a large amount, which could even result in an emergency room visit. I would begin the natural process of a miscarriage. This is the worst word for a pregnant woman to hear. Miscarriage. It brings tears to my eyes just processing it all once again. In order to prevent the rough symptoms that could likely result in a D&C, the doctor recommended we schedule the procedure ahead of time. While it left a pit in my stomach, knowing exactly what a D&C means, Phillip and I agreed this was the best option. I am not a fan of intervention when a natural process is available, but in this circumstance I knew that if I didn't take this step now I would be plagued by the thoughts of "when" and "how" it would all begin. 

After discussing all of this, the doctor left Phillip and I alone. I instantly began sobbing into Phillip's shirt. So much effort! Such happiness we had felt! It's now all replaced by such a terrible ache. My poor baby! My precious first baby, still inside my abdomen, has died. This can't be happening. This isn't real.

We were sent to the perinatologist to get a confirmation ultrasound in order to verify the findings of the initial ultrasound. Unfortunately, the results were the same. No heartbeat was able to be detected. Therefore, the D&C was scheduled for today, May 4th, at 2PM.

After my initial sobs at the office and intermittent tears over the next hour or two, my tears were dried and I was left feeling numb. We shared the news to those who knew of the pregnancy. I tried to sleep at night, with limited success. I spent my morning in bed, reading similar stories online and listening to "Held" by Natalie Grant. Finally, it was time to head to the surgicenter. I encountered some wonderful nurses in both pre-op and recovery. I made sure to get their names so I could mention them when my follow-up survey arrives. I was still in a state of numb until my emotions came to a peak when I was forced to sign a form determining what was to be done with the remains of the fetus. My poor heart. I could feel my eyes brimming over. Thankfully, Lisa, my nurse, asked me if I needed to use the restroom before getting changed. Once in the bathroom, I began weeping again. Are we sure? I haven't had any cramping! No bleeding! Is there absolutely no chance?!

No. I knew this was the answer, but I couldn't help but think these questions. Why, Lord. Why did this have to happen to our baby?

It didn't take long for the surgery to be under way. Phillip assures me it was short, but it certainly felt longer to me. Nearly immediately when I woke up in recovery to the sight of my doctor and the nurse, I began to cry. "It's all over", they said. "Everything went well."

It's all over. More tears. My wonderful recovery nurse, Lois, was a precious gift. She gave me words of encouragement and shared her own personal story with miscarriage. She told me to cry. She told me to take the weekend off (I was scheduled to work tomorrow. My doctor also gave me a note to be off work until Monday). She reminded me that it does, in fact, get easier.

Thankfully, I feel well physically. I'll experience some bleeding and cramping, but it's all incredibly mild right now. I am thankful, too, that my spirits are relatively high considering the day's events. From moment to moment, the sadness overcomes and I shed a tear or two. I know this will continue, sometimes worse than others, but I know that my God of love is with me and I have my faithful and wonderful family and friends supporting myself and my husband with prayers and well wishes. In sharing all of this, that is all I ask for: prayer. Prayer to grieve, and then find a healthy way to continue with life and look towards the future. The doctor said there is no reason I shouldn't be able to have lots of healthy babies in the future. I look forward to it with a smile. For now, though, I'll remember my first little baby, forever in Heaven with our Maker.

A Week in Review and a Look to the Future

The past week or so has been great, but tiring! Last weekend alone we had two weddings. At work, I've started precepting a new employee. While it's been a good week at work, there's a little extra added stress teaching someone the ropes. Thank goodness she's so sweet and she picks everything up so well. Wednesday, I tagged along with the staff from New Life to the Diamondback's game to hear the Tremble Clefs {yes, that's really the name} sing the National Anthem. They're a singing group comprised of Parkinson's diagnosed men and women and one of New Life's own, Dave, is a member. I cried.

Also, now we're sweating. Thanks, but no thanks, Arizona heat.

That's my segue into the important stuff. We're leaving the Arizona heat. We don't know exactly when we're leaving, yet, but we're here definitely until a week or so after Houseboat camp {Yep. High school camp is on houseboats!} which is June 4-8. Yesterday, Phill's departure was announced at his staff meeting. Today, I turned in my formal resignation letter. We don't know specifically where we're moving TO, exactly, but we know we are moving closer to our families.

Basically, we could still use a lot of prayers for all the wide open blanks in our plan. Prayers for Phill to find a job, prayers for Alyssa to find a job, prayers for health, prayers for smooth transition with finances and everything else along the way, and prayers for safe travels once the time comes!

Food

I have an issue with food.

I love food. I hate food.
Those of you who know me well know that this is not a recent thing. Food and body image have been an on-going struggle for me. I am constantly trying to live a normal life where food is necessary for life and the rest of my time is spent just, well, living. This, however, is more of a task than you might think. I'm thinking about food all the time. Planning what I should eat, thinking of what I really want to eat, bargaining that I can eat that if I only have this now. I love eating healthily, but my food obsession makes it hard for me to deny myself the frequent "bad" food cravings. My cravings are so intense sometimes! They're so hard to ignore! Therefore, I give into them. A lot. I eat a lot of really healthy food, but I also eat a lot of seriously not healthy food. The bad food cravings are actually worse when I'm at work. I attribute this to the chocolates and baked goods patients bring in, the potlucks, and the donuts frequently brought in for morning pick me ups. FYI coworkers, I'm sorry for my unsuccessful attempts to abstain from ALL THE DONUTS.

Aside from what I'm eating, it's also important to note the amount I am eating. I am able to recognize the feeling that others refer to as "full" but it does not inhibit me from consuming more food. I legitimately have an obsession with food. It's only when I've gorged myself to nearly vomiting that I realize I cannot eat any more. This is also the time, of course, when the regret and unhappiness begins. This is an ongoing, ever evolving eating disorder.

Since moving to Arizona, it seems I've become more keenly aware of my body. Starting around the holidays of 2010 I lost some weight and then spent 2011 maintaining that weight/wishing for a bit more weight loss. Success makes you crave more success, right? Anyway, the truth is I didn't lose that weight in a healthy manner. I've recently put on more weight from trying to eat like a normal person, yet still failing in the ways mentioned above. It makes me sad to see some of the weight put back on and feel my clothing fit a little tighter. However, it's in times like this where I can really see the work of God in my life. Yes, I am disappointed that I can't seem to just be normal. Normal people don't think about food all the time. Normal people don't have to wager how much food is a normal amount because they just stop eating when they become full.   

BUT!

It's because of this recent weight gain and my subsequent reaction that has me nearly pleased. I'm a twinge upset, yes. I want to shed those extra pounds, yes. The kicker is this, though: It's not supremely ruining my life. I'm doing just fine. I want to lose the weight by working out like a super freak because I enjoy that darn elliptical! I FINALLY realize why people always said they enjoyed working out! You guys. IT REALLY DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD! I also want to continue to discover and consume healthy, clean foods. I have made a conscious decision to severely restrict the amount of junk I consume. You guys would be seriously shocked if you saw how much I ate on a bad food day. My biggest culprits are of the sweet-tooth variety: candies, cookies, ice creams/yogurts, cakes...I really enjoy sugar.

I'm not entirely sure what brought me to write this post. As written above, this topic is ever on my mind, and I think today I felt the need to put it out there, be real, and benefit from the cyber accountability. My life is going somewhere. God has a plan for me! I may not know every direction this life is going to take, but I want to be present and enjoy the ride rather than being concerned about dinner.

He's on Our Side

It was hard for me to get up today. Just one of those days, you know? Typically, I would be going to Saturday service for church tonight, especially since I'm working tomorrow, but instead I decided to listen to a sermon I'd missed from a couple weekends ago. I'd been told it's a good one that can really get to ya. 

I think I was told correctly. 

I started taking notes like it was my job, so I decided I would share with the blogosphere whether you like it or not :-)  I apologize for being so wordy. 

P.S.-You can hear the whole thing here

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IMAGE OF JESUS

How we achieve being more like Jesus and the walls we'll hit along the way

Wall #1-Disillusionment

Daniel 3
Shadrach, Meshach, & Abednego

v.13 Nebakanezer "furious with rage..."
v15 "Then what God will be able to save you from my hands?"

S, M, & A had every right to be angry with God. It would easy for them to become disillusioned due to their faithfulness.

"What comes into our minds when we think about God, is the most important thing about us"--A.W. Tozer

They knew their God was sovereign and demanded uncompromising devotion.

v.16 "...we do not need to defend ourselves before you...the God we serve is able to save us from it..."

How did they know? They knew from all the stories they'd heard throughout their childhood from the OT of all the ways the LORD had delivered.

Do you know that God can save? Not just the God of the OT, but the God of today. Do you know?

**God saves--YES or NO (This is between you and God)
Perhaps you've heard it, but you don't really know! It's ok.


These guys knew.

v.18 "...but even if he does not..." In other words, they were telling Nebakanezer it's not his decision whether we die today. GOD IS IN CONTROL.

In the book of Acts, James and Peter are both arrested and imprisoned and people are praying for their release. Do you remember what happens?

Peter miraculously released. James beheaded. God was in control of both situations.

God causes some things and allows some things, but He is in control of all things.

**God is in absolute control--YES or NO


In v.18 S, M, & A are saving even if He doesn't save us, we still won't bow because we know our God demands and deserves uncompromising devotion.

Hebrews 11:6 "Without faith it is impossible to please God."
Remember Abraham and Isaac?
Joseph thrown into prison? For all he knew he was going to rot in prison! He didn't know how the story was going to end.
David when he was running from Saul.
Mary when Gabriel told her of the situation, there was certainly a part of Mary that recognized the slander she would face.

THEY KNEW GOD DESERVES UNCOMPROMISING DEVOTION.

**God deserves uncompromising devotion--YES or NO


When we look at these 3 men, we think "WOW these guys have amazing faith!" Not necessarily so. Perhaps they had a little faith and a great God.These men knew the served  a GREAT GOD!

God isn't looking for people with great faith, but for individuals ready to follow Him.

Revisit this often, especially if you marked 'no' anywhere because you're struggling with disillusionment Wrestle, struggle, and pray on this. "If you seek Me you will find Me".

Romans 8 "If God is for us, who can be against us?" If you wrote 'no' somewhere, God is for you.

The God of the universe is on your side.

For Gracie

I have a favor to ask. Our children's pastor at New Life, Randy Cuellar, has a 10 year old daughter who was diagnosed with a rare brain cancer when she was about 2 years old. Randy and his wife, Shelly, were told it was likely she would not survive. Miraculously, though, she pulled through and is alive today!

Now, the bad news. Considering how rare this particular cancer/tumor is, you can imagine their shock when they were told roughly a week ago that their 2 1/2 year old daughter, Gracie, now has the same cancer.

Gracie and Randy

Gracie has already undergone a very long, but successful, surgery where the tumor was removed. This is great news! But, of course, there is still so much more for this little girl to endure including chemotherapy, healing from surgery, pain and fear.



If you are a praying person, could you please take an extra minute or two in your prayer time and remember Grace, Randy, Shelly, and the whole Cuellar family? Randy and his family mean so much to the New Life community so it's really, really difficult to know they are going through such a scary, trying time.

Who Needs a Career?

It's probably not a huge surprise to most of you reading that I have been wanting to make a transition in my career. This Med/Surg {According to this article, I'm, apparently, the "faint-hearted"} business is seriously wearing on me on a daily basis.  I have to really pump myself up and say desperate prayers on my drive into work every day in order to just get through it. Each day is a hit or miss. Some are good, many are really busy but tolerable, and {too many} some are just downright awful. The problem is that even the "good" days, aren't really good. I have no passion for my job. I do not enjoy it and I can guarantee I'm not working to my best potential because this is not where my strengths lie.

I want to be a Certified Nurse Midwife.

There are a couple problems:

• School--I'm terrified to go back to school. Also, more school means more money and another commitment. Basically, I'm a scaredy-cat.
• I have no Women-Infant experience, so what if it turns out I don't love being a Midwife? What if I'm pointing myself in the wrong direction?
• I've yet to find a way to be able to get this experience. There are few positions of this nature available here in the West Valley, and I'm pretty hesitant to even go for them because I'm afraid that, working in a hospital setting, there will be certain aspects of my job, particularly if I scored a L&D position, that I wouldn't agree with. For example, {I'm speaking in generalities, people} I'm against labor induction. Of course, there's a time and place, but it is WAY abused. Also, I think women should be active, not sedentary on a hospital bed, during their labor. Furthermore, they probably shouldn't be lying flat to deliver a baby at all {unless that's the position that seems to suit the laboring mom best}. Geez, I could go on and on, but that's really not the purpose of this post...
• Being a Midwife entails much more responsibility and autonomy than what is presently expected of me. In truth, this sounds amazing, but the thought of it being a reality is so God-awful terrifying. There's so much pressure and I'm not sure I would be successful, you know? In fact, the more I think about it, the more it truly frightens me.

I really dislike my current job, but it's so difficult to even consider making a change. Does any of this many a bit of sense to anyone?  Goodness. Trying to wrap my mind around all of this right now is almost making me want to cry!

Life is just so tricky. I know I've said this before, and I'm certain I'll say it again, but it sure would be nice if God would give me a pretty little road map for LIFE.

Any advice?

Yesterday is Gone...Praise the Lord

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my career to date.

My day was centered around one patient for 12 straight hours, but I still had other patients to care for. I was frazzled and frantic trying to control this patient for the entire shift. It was just...bad. I'm hugely grateful for all the help and support I received from fellow coworkers, but it still was just so rough. As soon as I sat down on the couch when I got home, I started to cry. I was just so burnt out after such a day! BUT! After watching Grey's, HIMYM, & Glee I was a brand new gal. Isn't it silly how silly TV shows can change it around like that?

Here's the good news, though: Today {at work} is IMMENSELY better! Unfortunately, that high-care patient was transferred to ICU last night, so the whole floor overall seems less chaotic. My patients aren't wild and I don't have a ring-around going with Case Management or anything. God is good. I'm so thankful.

I'm pretty proud, too, of how well I've been sticking to achieving my goals. One of the main things I've been trying to do with healthy eating is "clean eating" inspired by Jess at IROCKSOWHAT. Mainly, eat healthy, and no sugar. Yes, you read that right. This girl, sweet tooth and candy/ice-cream obsession and all, is going 30 days without sugar {except that naturally occurring in fruit and whatnot}. I don't think you realize how much food I've had to turn away just in 2 days at work. It's ridiculous. Anyway, so good so far! I've made lots of smoothies at home to keep me happy.

HAPPY WEEKEND EVERYONE!

New Blog Wake-Up Call

How did it become 1AM already? Shoot.


I am an emotional basket base this evening. Feeling worthless, feeling content, terribly longing to be with my family, tearing up from happiness, tearing up for hopefulness, tearing up with uncertainty.

Then again...I am a female in "that time" of the month. TMI? Get over it, I guess :-)



I discovered a new blog to adore via Danielle's blog at Sometimes Sweet. I love you to the moon is the blog-child of Amber, one seriously amazing woman. I have just now thoroughly read over the past couple months' worth of her posts and I'm blown away. She's incredibly wise beyond her years {even younger than myself}. I couldn't help but feel strongly encouraged after reading into her little part of the world. To be perfectly honest, I was somewhat annoyed, at first, when reading her posts. I was jealous and frustrated by the perfect marriage, rocking body and devotion to {ahem, love for? [I know, I don't understand it either]} physical fitness, obvious devout relationship with the Lord, and killer looks and style to boot. However, as I read further and started to really reveal the lady behind the text, I'm beginning to see that it's not about perfection {which I'm positive she would deny and, likely, laugh at}. It's about learning what the truly important things are in life and making them a priority. The highest priority.

I've been spending A LOT of time focusing on, and worrying about, the future. Uuuggggghhhhhhh it's such a bad thing! I've made many half-hearted goals to "turn my life around" or "get on the right track" or "really start things fresh" as of late, but as of tonight I'm making a strong devout promise and goal to myself. This isn't one specific goal, per se, but more a general life shift in which I'm vowing to live my life to the fullest. 

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I will seek out the presence of God in the world around me.

I will shamelessly snuggle and play with Margot. 

I WILL TAKE CARE OF MY BODY WITH HEALTHY DIET AND PROPER EXERCISE{this may sounds shallow and/or cliche, but this is actually a very real and difficult goal for me to consistently uphold}.

I will purposefully show love and respect for my husband.

I will rejoice in the small pleasures in life. 

I will enjoy the feeling of the bright, warm sun on my face. 

I will delight in the work that God has provided for this time, and I will patiently, yet actively, pursue future options in order to advance my career where my strengths and passions lie.

I will play a more active role in my relationships with family and friends.

I will worship the Lord my God, and I will seek out and make individual devotion with Him the highest priority.

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This list could go on and on, but I think I should stop while I'm ahead, or I'll have too much to handle all at once! I feel I am experiencing a great moment of enlightenment presently, but I also fear that this is all emotional and it will dissipate by the time I awake in the morning. So often the most sincere goals and plans made late at night seem much less important or necessary with the dawning of a new day. In fact, I can nearly guarantee that this will happen. My plan? CONSTANT SELF REMINDERS. This time, I must succeed. This time, I need to take this seriously. I will coast through life NO MORE.

Please, oh please, keep me in your daily thoughts and prayers. This post may all sound vague, but knowing that my well-being is being aided by any and all of you reading this will help.

April 20, 2011

Yesterday was April 20. That is, 4/20. If you don't know what that means...it's probably best. However, you totally won't understand the next pictures. Hehe it was so much fun! Remember how last week we went to The Cheba Hut? We went this week...on 4/20.

The place was packed. I expected there would be lots of people, but I didn't anticipate tents, Mardi Gras type beads {Yes, I'm wearing some in that pic. They gave 'em to me. I don't smoke none of that wacky weed.}, things for sale, & a dude outside rapping. Yeah. Rapping. Apparently it's a freakin' holiday.

I hope you have a super fantabulous Friday lined up. Cheer up, folks! Easter is right around the corner! 

All that being said, please please please keep my dear friend Kristi, and her whole family, in your thoughts and prayers. Her dad has been fighting Stage IV cancer for the past several weeks/months and early this morning his fight came to an end. He's dancing with God, now, but it's still so ridiculously difficult to bear for everyone down here. This all happened pretty quickly so the more support behind this family, the better. Thank you so incredibly much.

Trust in the LORD

  

I have a favor to ask. My cousin and his wife recently miscarried their precious child. This was to be their first child. While they, and the family, know that God has a bigger plan that is not yet comprehended, it is still an incredibly painful situation right now. Your thoughts and prayers are greatly felt and appreciated. This causes me so much grief. To know the joy that was felt and to now question why it had to happen this way. So much hurt. The silver lining to the story is knowing how happy that little baby is, the first face he or she sees being Jesus Christ. How beautiful.

Praise be to God

Last night I opened my Bible in search of peace and contentment for my anxious little ol' self. Lately, I'm always feeling this way the night before work in the morning and it's so frustrating. But, (go figure!) the Lord answered. My prayers must have been heard beacuse today has been completely tolerable. I know there will still be sucky days ahead, but I'm feeling pretty dang grateful right now.

Praise be to God

Rough

I know this is incredibly vague, but I've had a lot on my mind lately and it's really bogging me down.

The devil is just so...evil. Captain Obvious, huh? Anyway, he's really good at knowing exactly how to turn my thoughts negative in nearly every aspect of my life. I've been feeling it for the past few weeks, but it really hit hard today, despite the fact that I had the whole day off with my sweet, although still somewhat sickly, husband. I need to get reconnected with what's really important. I feel it would be really good for me to actually start DOING some of the things I've set before myself, but I think a hefty dose of prayer will probably be the best catalyst. I think once I start getting answers and seeing results of my actions that I'll be much more at peace.

I crave it.

There is some tough stuff a-brewin'. My mind is reeling and my throat is hurting thinking of so many things. I'm just not in a super great place right now (mentally, physically, spiritually) and I need change. My main problem is this: I feel helpless. So, if you're one who prays, perhaps you could consider adding my vague problems to your prayers?

Rory & Lorelai Are Just Leaving?!

Oh man guys. I started watching Season 2 of GG. I just finished the episode where Lorelai breaks down and decides not to marry Max. Obviously, a road trip is in order after making a rash drastic decision that alters you life. Oh man.

So...today was tricky. I got a phone call at 5:30AM telling me there were too many nurses scheduled and I shouldn't come in unless I hear otherwise. At first, I was frustrated because I need the hours and I need to accumulate PTO, but then I remembered I like to sleep so I became happy. Then, at 10 I was called again saying a nurse is sick and my relief for her would be greatly appreciated. I obliged. I arrived at 11:30ish, went to 5C (I've never worked this floor before), got report from sicky nurse, and then the craziness ensued.

Scary times. Frustrating, frustrating times.

But! I made it out alive. I then met Phillip at the church for a marriage seminar thing that was going on. I only caught the last half, but it was pretty cool. This is what I learned: I still really love my husband =)

BIG NEWS!

Ok, the news really isn't that big, but I'm so proud of myself. The news is this: I completed a crafty project. A sweet garland! There are so many lovely garlands out there right now. If I had my way, I would have a slew of garlands with which to decorate and redecorate our little home. But, I have neither the will nor the talent to make this dream a reality. Therefore, I will stick to being proud of my one garland {at least for now}. My bathroom won the rights to garland #1.

{Obviously NOT garland, but these lovely ladies are new to el bano, too.}

It adds a little something, without adding too much. I am pleased. {I always feel the urge to insert a smiley face after sentences like that, but then I'm afraid I'll be judged for my overzealous usage of smiley faces.}

Materials: Coffee dyed coffee filters, natural colored coffee filters, sheet music, pretty floral fabric from pillow case found at a thrift store, and pretty lace fabric found at another thrift store! Oh, yeah and the rope stuff...found at a thrift store. So what! Yes, maybe I am a thrift store junkie! I cannot possibly see how this could be viewed as a "problem".  So get over it =) {That smiley face was necessary. Duh.}

I drew inspiration for the little garlands here and here.

Also, a sweet treat package from Mom & Dad Oprie arrived today. YUM! I may have eaten 4 already. I'm not sure my taste buds have the capacity to be sweeted out. I have an insane sweet tooth that is pretty much nagging me all the time.

What you can't see is the little puppy nose that was desperately trying to get a bite of this delicious treat.

Happy Friday everyone! Congratulations! You made it to the weekend! 

{I'll be working this weekend. Bummer.}

It's Not About ME

I sit typing this while on my lunch break in the hospital's library. Last night I was feeling some pretty good anxiety about coming to work today. This is not an unusual occurrence, but sometimes it's worse than others. Sometimes, like last night, I feel this anxiety and nervousness about the impending work day ahead. Sometimes, it's no big deal; work is work. While lying in bed trying to get over it and ease into sleep I said a silent prayer to ask for peace.

peace.

When I got into work, I learned I would be floating to a different unit to work. This is my first time floating since I've been hired because now I'm past the 6 month mark. Back in Anderson, floating was a crappy, crappy thing because you just really wanted to continue to work where you're comfortable and familiar. While I was nervous to go somewhere new and unfamiliar (and an ortho floor {yuck!}), I really did not mind being away from my "home" unit.

Guess what, guys? God is wonderful. Today has been perfectly fine. Even though I'm on an ortho floor, they have patients who aren't orthopedic, too. Thank goodness they were considerate enough to assign me the medical, non-ortho patients! This unit is much smaller and calmer, too. Goodness do I love it. Less people, less beeping machines, less family/visitors, less doctors, less CRAZINESS TO SEND ME INTO A FREAK-OUT!

It's little things like easing my mind that make me really remember who's in charge. He's got it covered, guys. Don't even worry about it. Whatever is really bogging you down lately--lay it down. Talk to God; He'll know exactly how to help (even if it's not totally evident right away). I love how subtly wonderful He can be sometimes, don't you?

 Ahhh, peace.

**EDIT!**

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARGOT!!!

(She would not cooperate)

Purple Haze

Ladies.

You know what I mean when I say I had an "off" day? Of course you do. This is one of the first times I think I can actually say I experienced PMS. I was on edge, upset about small things, non-communicative. I rapidly shifted between frustration/agitation and sadness. I left the Super Bowl party at the half and proceeded to pamper myself with a bath. A very purple bath.

Thank you, thank you, thank you my dear Natasha. Your happy Lush Christmas Eve Bubble Bar was the perfect way to close the day.

Alright, Fine. Let's Make It a 3rd.

It's probably borderline lame to post on a blog 3 times in one day when I do, in fact, have a separate full-time job and (hopefully) a life, but I just needed to say this: EVERYONE IS HAVING BABIES AND IT'S CAUSING ME ANXIETY.

I just learned today via Facebook of 2 other new pregnancies. It's beautiful. It's wonderful. It stresses me out for an unknown reason.

That is all. Thanks.