Food

I have an issue with food.

I love food. I hate food.
Those of you who know me well know that this is not a recent thing. Food and body image have been an on-going struggle for me. I am constantly trying to live a normal life where food is necessary for life and the rest of my time is spent just, well, living. This, however, is more of a task than you might think. I'm thinking about food all the time. Planning what I should eat, thinking of what I really want to eat, bargaining that I can eat that if I only have this now. I love eating healthily, but my food obsession makes it hard for me to deny myself the frequent "bad" food cravings. My cravings are so intense sometimes! They're so hard to ignore! Therefore, I give into them. A lot. I eat a lot of really healthy food, but I also eat a lot of seriously not healthy food. The bad food cravings are actually worse when I'm at work. I attribute this to the chocolates and baked goods patients bring in, the potlucks, and the donuts frequently brought in for morning pick me ups. FYI coworkers, I'm sorry for my unsuccessful attempts to abstain from ALL THE DONUTS.

Aside from what I'm eating, it's also important to note the amount I am eating. I am able to recognize the feeling that others refer to as "full" but it does not inhibit me from consuming more food. I legitimately have an obsession with food. It's only when I've gorged myself to nearly vomiting that I realize I cannot eat any more. This is also the time, of course, when the regret and unhappiness begins. This is an ongoing, ever evolving eating disorder.

Since moving to Arizona, it seems I've become more keenly aware of my body. Starting around the holidays of 2010 I lost some weight and then spent 2011 maintaining that weight/wishing for a bit more weight loss. Success makes you crave more success, right? Anyway, the truth is I didn't lose that weight in a healthy manner. I've recently put on more weight from trying to eat like a normal person, yet still failing in the ways mentioned above. It makes me sad to see some of the weight put back on and feel my clothing fit a little tighter. However, it's in times like this where I can really see the work of God in my life. Yes, I am disappointed that I can't seem to just be normal. Normal people don't think about food all the time. Normal people don't have to wager how much food is a normal amount because they just stop eating when they become full.   

BUT!

It's because of this recent weight gain and my subsequent reaction that has me nearly pleased. I'm a twinge upset, yes. I want to shed those extra pounds, yes. The kicker is this, though: It's not supremely ruining my life. I'm doing just fine. I want to lose the weight by working out like a super freak because I enjoy that darn elliptical! I FINALLY realize why people always said they enjoyed working out! You guys. IT REALLY DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD! I also want to continue to discover and consume healthy, clean foods. I have made a conscious decision to severely restrict the amount of junk I consume. You guys would be seriously shocked if you saw how much I ate on a bad food day. My biggest culprits are of the sweet-tooth variety: candies, cookies, ice creams/yogurts, cakes...I really enjoy sugar.

I'm not entirely sure what brought me to write this post. As written above, this topic is ever on my mind, and I think today I felt the need to put it out there, be real, and benefit from the cyber accountability. My life is going somewhere. God has a plan for me! I may not know every direction this life is going to take, but I want to be present and enjoy the ride rather than being concerned about dinner.

Christmas Day {photo overload}

Well, we're back in the great Southwest from our Midwest excursion. I'm trying to think of the proper adjective to describe our trip because 'wonderful' doesn't seem to do it justice. I cried in the airport when we were preparing to return. I'm a sap, it's true. I took lots of photos and I'm not yet up to lots of wordy posts {who needs 'em anyway? the pics do it all justice} so I'll be posting those soon. Phillip and I are slowly but surely getting back into the swing of things here; adjusting to "real life". For now, I'll share with you what our Christmas day looked like. Beware, there are a LOT of photos, but I wanted to go ahead and throw 'em all together in one post!

Devil eyes

Me-"Smile!" Trey-ugly face

Me-"Mom and Dad, smile!". Sheesh.

haha

Our ethnic holiday spread

Tiny hamburger cookie

Mom and Dad are sweet

Jarts! These may or may not be illegal.

Check out Grandpa's awesomely long "tie"

This is his Jarts face

My uncle, on Jarts

Moonshine cherries

Trivial pursuit, a Carmien tradition

A lady's heyday thanks to all of Mom's discontinued colors

Cute, little Lily

Annnnd round it out with a game of Settlers of Catan

I hope you all had an incredibly happy Christmas holiday :-)

Thankful

Initially, we were going to enjoy Thanksgiving just the two of us, like last year, but when my new friend from church, Christy, invited us to her family's gathering we figured we would give it a shot! I thought it might be nice to be around others.

I am so glad we went! We enjoyed a wonderful meal, had some fun conversation, played games, and laughed until we were crying...ok, I was the only one crying. Plus, croquet! Only in Arizona would you find people playing croquet outside on Thanksgiving.

Croquet hottie

PIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..........STICKY BUNNNNNNNNSSSSSSS............

When we came home we got to Facetime chat {thanks be to iPhones!} with my family back in Indiana. The Carmien clan was gathering at Mom and Dad's this year so we got to see everyone! I can't wait to actually see all my family face-to-face next month and give everyone big hugs! 

Because we originally were going to have a solo Thanksgiving I had already bought a turkey in advance. Phill decided we would brine tonight and he would cook it tomorrow. Even if it doesn't turn out, I'm pleased to have these next pictures.

Staring at the bird in deep confusion

Poor bird

Happy Thanksgiving!

Like A Boss

AUTUMN!

Not to toot my own horn or anything {except that's basically what I'm about to do}, but I've been a pretty rockin' wife lady as of late. Cooking like a boss. Working out like a boss. Working in general like, you guessed it, a boss. The weather has already creeped back up {BOO!}, but when it was cooler this past weekend, I decided to finally run outside. Our apartment complex is right along the wash that has trails running all along down through it, making it super convenient for runners, walkers, and bikers.

It was so awesome. I want it to cool down again so I can keep exercising outside. I had such a powerful, awesome God-moment on that run. It was the day I was feeling down and something between the combination of my tunes, the beauty of the outdoors, and my adrenaline really brought it on. I'm glad no one was around at that exact moment because they would have thought I was for shizzle a crazy lady all crying and running yet smiling...

This morning I picked up another shift giving flu shots. This time it was at a retirement community so the old people came out in full force. We gave 86 vaccines in 4 hours! I actually didn't give any of the vaccines. My job was to help people make sure their paperwork was filled out correctly because those sweet old folk apparently have issues reading directions.

After the clinic and lunch I went to the gym for my regular workout...only today I totally owned {like a boss} and opted for the treadmill instead of the elliptical and ran 6+ miles! I'm really wanting to work on my running and I'm so proud of my progress today, even if it was indoors. Thank you Kim Kardashian and your fantasy wedding for taking forever.

As far as cooking, I've been going to town full-force and loving it! Here are some things I've made:

Chicken Parmesan, for Phillip, of course

Making seitan!

Successful seitan with ketchup and jalepeno mustard. This was so easy and even Phill was agreeable to eat it!

Then, today I whipped up some PUMPKINBREADFROMTHEHEAVENSTHANKYOUGRANDMACARMIENIT'SSODAMNGOOD plus a new pizza recipe with a cauliflower-mozzarella crust and another cauliflower dish with a special sauce.

Woot for productivity!

EDIT: After talking myself up so much I find it necessary to also inform everyone that I basically ate an entire loaf of pumpkin bread this evening. FAIL.

Today

Post-pool time! Only the 2nd time all summer (wait, it's Autumn now...) I've been in the pool!

I'm making a quilt for Margot =)

Life has been pretty much same ol, same ol around here lately. Work, church, Margot, trying to sleep, workout, Internet TV. I have been switching up my diet lately, though. At the beginning of this week I had the bright idea to do a cleanse...The Master Cleanse. Since our trip at the beginning of the month I have been eating really poorly and feeling my clothes getting a bit more snug, even though I've still been working out regularly. So, I thought a cleanse would be a great way to jump start my body into a healthier lifestyle again.

Basically I "lasted" about a day and a half before I had to quit because I felt horrible. I didn't like the drink, so I didn't drink enough of it. Therefore, I wasn't getting hardly any calories leaving me seriously wiped out.

So, what I've been doing instead is a bit of a modified raw food diet. The die hard raw food peeps don't cook anything EVER. I would say I'm planning to stick to at least 75% raw. So far it's great! I think because I have a set meal plan in order, my brain literally just isn't considering any of the other processed unhealthy foods that I often crave. I'm loving me some kale and spinach salads, and gobs of grapes. Mmmm grapes :-) Plus I really feel awesome and it's only been 2 days of this stuff. I'm excited to continue with it especially since I know I'm doing great for my body.

Happy Friday everyone!

A Near-Death Experience

I never would have thought that a sandwich could cause me such panic.

But it did.

Guys...a peanut butter & jelly sandwich almost killed me. For reals. Ok, it wasn't that serious, but I really did nearly require the Heimlich maneuver. At Velocity last night I volunteered to participate in the game. Turns out, the game was to eat 3 PB&Js as fast as you can. Well, I gave it a go and scarfed about half the sandwich in the first 10 seconds...then I started chewing it all. This is a s.l.o.w. process, but I was really wanting to show how awesome of a leader I am by playing along with the kids so I was like, "Oh yeah I got this" and I continued chewing and tried to swallow it all down so I could continue to finish the rest of the sandwich.

This is when the near-death ensued.

That gigantic glob of peanut buttery-jelly-bready mess CLOGGED MY THROAT.

I looked to Danny, who was running the game, and motioned that I needed some water, but he didn't seem to understand that it was emergent! I ran off the stage and headed toward the bathroom because if it took inducing vomiting to get that glob out of my throat, then that's what had to happen! Of course someone was in the bathroom (of course). Luckily, just then Dalton tossed a bottle of water to me and the gigantic glob of terribleness was able to be coughed forward from my throat into my mouth so I could breathe.

*sigh

My throat was sore the rest of the night. Weird story, right? Needless to say, I was unsuccessful at pulling off the 'I'm an awesome leader who dominates games' feat. Maybe next time.

Vacation Update #4 + My {not-so-worthwhile} Day

This is the final installment of Sedona iPhone photos. Promise. I've been putting off posting the legitimate camera photos partly because I don't feel like editing them and partly because I'm not sure I have the storage space left on my poor lappy to even upload them all. Seriously. Actually, I can almost guarantee I do not have enough space. Poop. We'll see how it goes. {PS-Doesn't that first photo look so beautiful you'd almost think it's fake?}

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Now, onto why my day has been not-so-worthwhile. So, we all know I'm a girl. Being a girl brings with it a slew of ridiculous emotions, hormonal outbursts & feelings, cravings, "disasters", and a host of other insane happenings. Today is my ridiculous "girl" response to my weekend. I worked this weekend, but that had little to do with my today.

Today I did nothing.

No, you don't understand. I was in bed until 2:30, only leaving for trips to the bathroom. Since then, all I've done is hang around the Internet.

And now here we are. So, my reasoning for feeling so morose and dwelling deeply in my self-loathing {yes, I'm entering the land of exaggerated terms}?

Answer: I ate too much

HOW MUCH OF A GIRL AM I?! Ok, don't answer that. The answer is obviously 100%. You know what I meant! I'm sad and low because I feel fat. Plain and simple. I know that I just need to dwell in this a moment longer and that later this evening, while Phill is off at his video game shindig that I will happily hop up on that eliptical and sweat off the toxins presently causing my fingers to swell.

It will be grand. My mind is currently clearing and I know I'm ridiculous for all this, but I felt I should share because Lord KNOWS you other ladies have been there! Plus, this is all about being real, right?

Right :-)

Dinner & My Loves

Successful Eggplant Parmesan. Technically there was a recipe involved, but since I didn't plan on making the full dish with a 9"x13" pan I kinda fudged around a bit.

Fudged.

Apparently, fudging works out alright! It may have been well to let it cook a couple minutes longer to allow for the perfect texture of the eggplant, but it was still pretty good! Now, I'm wishing I had used an even smaller amount because I have all these leftovers and I can pretty much bet money the mister won't even try it! Anyone want some?!

Also, please look at this and feel my heart melt.